i don’t think i can do this

i don’t think i can do this

KristinaMari No Comment

it’s too hard
I realize you’re frustrated about neither of us working
and all this debt with no money
I know your unhappy and life is too hard..
I know you’re really hurt and confused about everything
and I’ve had at least one emotional breakdown a week for the past 3 months…

but how does this help?
How does sleeping over at someone else’s house make our problems go away?
it hurts that you hang out here when she’s at work and leave to share lunch with her and again to spend the night

It hurts that I can not imagine you in bed with her… feeling that that is where you feel you should belong

It hurts that you said you’ll come back when you find you’re miserable there too.
Like being with me is a pit of hopelessness and despair that you’re continuously forced to sink into.

It hurts that there are times when you need me (the drive, a ride when you’re stuck…) and that the rest of the time, I’m just not good enough.

It hurts that you seem to see no wrong, no harm, no problem with what’s been done.

It hurts that only after you started seeing her, did you feel that I was forcing you to ‘work s**t jobs and refusing to try’.

It hurts that I’m hurt and disappointed by the whole situation. That I spend 1/2 the time being angry with you for being such a not nice person – and that I spend the rest of the time pretending you’ll realize you don’t belong there – that you need me, and come home.

It hurts that I still care, that I still hope, still love. That I’ve trusted. That each time you leave I feel lost, rejected, useless.

It kills me that it’s gotten so comfortable.. flat out lies, sleeping with someone else (when I can’t imagine even thinking about it.. that you’ve slept with more people just since we’ve been together than I have in my ligr)

The worst, however
undeniably, is that
each time you come back
I don’t realize you’re coming back to be miserable
I think it’s because you love me.
I get hopeful and give what I can to you.
and each time you do something worse that proves even more how wrong and stupid I’ve been
for caring, for being there, for trying – for all this time

I need no lies, no other people, no fear of failure, no doomed outlook.

I need hope, love, respect, care, truth
and I’ll do whatever you like… 100%

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