old.. stuff

i miss you

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the one I’ve always had a good time with eventhough we’ve never had any money
I miss knowing I’m important, cared for, loved and respected
by the person I love, care and respect

do you love me, does that matter?

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I would like something real – something sure

a ‘no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you’
with that surety – we would make a plan and follow it

if there is no us, no answer, no definition to do it together
then I need to make a plan for myself and you need to figure out what you want to do on your own

I care for you, very much
I love you and would honestly do anything to make you happy, but I can’t do this
you being with her makes me feel like nothing to you
I want to mean something to you – I would like to mean everything to you, as you do to me

I wait, nightly, for you to come home & say this is where you belong
that we will work together with no more bull*** to make things right

I miss you, I miss just lying there with you. I miss you holding me, I just miss everything
I don’t think I fully understand this whole thing – it’s too weird & has been for months

help fix it!

 I would like you to come back (for all time)
I would like to come up with a plan to get us back on track
I would like things to be right
they have NEVER been worse

lost

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a letter… seeking answers…

realization…

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i don’t want to feel that the person I’m with is just doing me a favor by being there. That there’s nothing I’m offering back. Nothing he values from me… that i am just taking all he has away…

I feel bad being with him.. as if I am not good, or pretty.. or don’t meet his standards.. as if he feels I am dragging him down.

I’ve realized that the body I’ve always wanted and the beauty I thought i had to strive for aren’t ever going to make everything ok.. Yes.. i intend to workout regularly, be healthy..etc… but what i truly have to offer is sooo much more important that that.  I plan to inspire, to uplift.. whether it be through work, or poetry, or ideas.. or something i haven’t thought of yet.. that is what I’m supposed to do… to be.

To speak to people’s souls and to make a difference in their lives..make them think about things they know.. but forgot… well, hopefully :)

I think this is why I haven’t written anything good in months… I’m not listening.. to myself. I’ve been attempting to be someone else and meet other’s expectations – to do things I really didn’t care to do — just to avoid conflict, or to make everything okay.

It’s always bothered me that ( he) didn’t care about the things I write, or any of my ‘inspired’ ideas.. and recently that he’s chosen not to look at or comment on anything that i do.. Most of my writing .. up until now.. has been just for me. sometimes for him and I’m new at doing something for everyone to see. I’m at the point where I’m craving acceptance.. reassurance that some of it is as good as i feel it is when i’m reading it.. that it’s worth putting out there.. that it may have some purpose.. It may not be a big deal to others.. but it is a big deal to me…

I put everything I have into everything I do.. and it hurts me that often he’s not even bothering to look at it..

Maybe.. this will be an opportunity..
to find someone that does listen , and that is interested in what i do ..

that understands these words i ramble constantly.. and appreciates them.. even close to as much as i do

that gets that these words/works are some of the most important ‘ trophies’ i have…

ongoing problem…

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what you do… not my fault
it only resides in you – what you choose to do for yourself for your own reasons
that has nothing to do with me or my self worth (trying VERY hard to always remember this :)) 

but

what is it I should do?
what will I do
I don’t trust you
I hate snooping, but I want to know the TRUTH
the real truth & there is no other way to find out

half as much..

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searching and grabbing for the one thing
i know is not there.

i keep dreaming that if I want it enough
will it enough… by some miracle.. it will occur.

but i’m fooling myself.. again and again..
into believing a half truth..

you love me.. u really do .. but only half as much
as i need you to.

untrust

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now, sitting here, feeling like a dumb**

not knowing for sure that I’m wrong and not knowing if I will ever get over this paranoia — these little checks now and then, just to make sure that it’s not happening again. There are a few questionable things, that make me wonder sometimes.
The worry gets less as time passes, yet still sometimes odd things happen – or maybe I analyze them too much.

Whether you have or haven’t – I am on constant alert despite how hard I try because I don’t want it to happen again, I don’t
I’m sorry, I do believe you, but I don’t know, I can’t help it — I feel like an *** a **8 and a horrible person.

I just want to/need to protect myself. Need to not let down my guard — it hasn’t been that long. I’m trying hard to forget — but it’s taking me awhile and I continue to try — but I need reassurance sometimes — because I just do.

I’m sorry. I messed up. I should trust you. I’m trying and I’ll try harder. I just don’t want it to happen again. Last time was just too much.

i apologize

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for not talking to you, but I don’t know what do say. I need something solid, something secure, something real right now, more than I have ever needed anything my entire life. What you’re doing isn’t enough. You share about 20% of your life with me and the rest is just a big secret that I can’t know anything about. Not who you’re friends are, not where you’re going. You won’t even let me see your house. It’s like you give me this little piece and expect that to be enough, but it’s not. I do want to be a part of everything. I want to feel like you’re proud enough to show me to your friends, to invite me to go every once in awhile. Not keep me in the dark to everything & say it’s none of my business. You expect me to act the same and do the same things, when I’m not getting back any of the things I used to. We hardly ever go and and do things, by ourself or with other people. When you stay here, more often than not, you have to go out first & come home at 12 or 2am and you’ve been drinking or whatver. I just feel left out.

you say..

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you would like me to be the ‘strong, successful woman’ 
you know can be

but ‘strong, successful women’ don’t have partners that have other girl’s **** on their cell phones, they don’t have partners that go out all night and come home the next day like it was nothing, they don’t have partners that do other stuff, proudly…

and wonder why she’s having trouble putting her mind in the place you think it should be.

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I’m writing you today to tell you that I need your help. I need you in my life to do your will. I know my faith has been unsure for the past few years and I ask that you will strengthen that as well. I am a book of questions, searching for answers in every aspect of my life. I want a simple life — that’s what I think I need. This gift of love for another is the greatest gift I have ever been given and I want to give it all to him. You’ve given him to me and you can take him away. I know that your will is all that will occur and I guess that I’m asking that this dream I’ve been living in and living for is your will. I feel alive and I feel loved, for the first time in my life by someone. I see why man and woman were put here. Not to collect money and houses or possessions or anything. We were put here to love each other. To be with someone and to share a relationship with them that mirrors the relationship we have with you. We are to be close – to know each other – to be strong for them when we can not be strong for ourselves. We are here to love, support and believe in each other – to remind each other that life is good and beautiful and to se your love for us everyday. 

You’ve given me this gift, and it has been/is the most precious gift my minute spirit could ever ask for. It has been surprising — and never really just what I expected – furt from the very beginning it has been certain. From the first kiss – I can’t believe when people say it’s wrong. I just cannot. It is a gift I have been living, but it has been true. If I have been wrong, please allow me to se it, because I am not seeing it now. It is not the judgement of others that I’m afraid of, it is the truth from you.

I am at a very hard point right now and I need your help to lead me in the right direction. This love, this life that I am living for and dreamign of, is it only a dream? Am I crazy and imaging or is it your will? Am I to give up everything for this wonderful and complex man, or am I just being a romantic. I hear his unhappiness, I hear his fear and uncertainty about every aspect of his life, but I do not hear it about me. I do realize what he has done and may still be doing, but I can not let go and move on – there is a thick bond that still holding on to me — it’s not the time for me to leave him alone. He loves me and needs me and I can not walk out on him right now. I do not want to be some crazy ex, but his feeling is horrible — I don’t know what will happen, but I know it won’t be good.. Is this all in my head, or is it coming from you? How can I tell?

I’m afraid, so afraid of what will happen if I move to Dallas. Will he be mad, shut me out? will he still leave in December? I do not know what to do exactly — I don’t know how to make this decision, because either way, someone will be unhappy. You have put him here for me – somehow I believe you have and I cannot shake the feeling. We just belong. I can not explain it all – all this that is understood in my head. i don’t konw of any way, except through you to open his heart. You see, I think I’ve snuck inside it and made myself a home, but for some reason, his ‘for rent/sale’ sign is still out. Can you help me with this? I will marry  him, if it’s your will — In my heart, I already have — I ask, today, that you use your strength to do this. To open his heart and his eyes — to help him to see what is so obviously real. To get him out of this horrible denial he has buried his feelings into. Only through you.

I have seen him, the real him. The inside. I see the scared and frighened little boy who feels outcast and abandonded and i just want to hold him for every and let him know that everything will be okay. Please don’t let him run from me as well. I can help him. Show him how beautiful and spectacular the world is that you have given us. Please, let me be there for him, let him know that the world is not made to be alone. and let me be justified in all that I’ve done (or to not be inspired to do it). let my family understand and not disown me for my actions – give them the strength to hold on and to just wait and see what will happen. Help them to see the side of him that I see and not only the parts that aren’t perfect. He’s a wonderful creation and I am so thankful that you have put him in the world. He’s opened the window of my heart and I feel free with him — As I was made to feel

Please give me strength to make the right decisions.

thank u!

right in front of you…

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stands a woman
a woman who understands you
a woman who knows you- sometimes better than you know yourself
a woman who sees you for both what you are and as what you will someday become
a woman that knows every inch of you as if you were a priceless piece of art

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