old.. stuff

i love you deep

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i love you deep
inside and out

i long to please you
there is no doubt

i see through the fear
the pain and the words

that you throw to show
just how much
you need to be heard

i choose for you freedom
happiness and success that is true

i let you go now…
so it will all come to you

all i’ve ever wanted…

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I’ve thought of what it is..

what i need to know…

this is what i ask myself often–
the only thing i ask for.. from u.. to make me unquestionably believe..

can i trust you — believe in you
have absolutely no doubts about.. your efforts.. your intentions.. no doubts about anything

can i , not sometimes, but all the time
put our futures in your hands and know that you are doing all u can every minute to preserve and protect them..
to make it as good as u can

can i? and can you live everyday showing me why i can.. and treat me in ways that never make me have to question.. ever again?

that is.. all i have ever wanted.

to know i have is actually what i have. to believe in it unquestionably .. and to not be proven an idiot for putting all my .. everything.. into the hands of someone that only pretended.. sometimes.. it should be there…

I realized

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yesterday just how lucky I am
you have such a good heart, you amaze me sometimes with our understanding and compassion, your self control, but mainly your love. It is more than I knew anyone could give me.
I know that a lot of times I may not earn you and all you’ve given me, but I know that I want to try to.
I want to never make you wonder or worry, or question —
but just to know that I am 100% unquestionably with you
and feel so lucky to be.

I am finally sure

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of myself and feeling good about just being me
knowing that I am doing what I am supposed to do
happy with myself

and you have to call me every 5 minutes to remind me what a horrible person I am and how much pain I’m causing you – All that you used to have and not appreciate that now you do not have

it’s not my fault that I have changed, I haven’t changed, I’ve found myself —
i have realized now all the things that were making me be like I was (not me)
and that they have to change

you are not bad, I care about you very much,
but I have found that I cannot be with you and still be me
& that is not acceptable


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you are all that I believe I will ever need (seriously!) I learned more from you in one day than I have ever learned in my whole life and I cannot wait to keep learning more from you – from just experiencing life with you.
You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I seriously can not picture another time (ever :) ) that I would wish to fall asleep without looking up and you and smiling. First, just because a person like you exists and I am fortunate enough to have met you….
…I wanted someone, someone that would just know me & be as glad to be with me as I was to be with them, all I said to you yesterday (last night) – that I’m so lucky, I truly am, this is more than I had ever hoped for….

… now I know that wherever you are is where I would most like to be today, tomorrow, whenever & for once I don’t even need to question myself or judge it, but just know, be quiet & enjoy the ride

Thank you!

ok, well :)

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feeling restless and crazy — this kinda stinks and I think I’d rather be over it… sooo hmmm — I don’t know what to say — I want to know what I want to do and i think I do know, yet it’s really going to hurt him and I don’t want to do that.
I think about you so much, why is that — there are so many things not right, yet my mind lingers on the ‘right’ ones. You’ve touched me somehow.. a lot. and have made a real difference to me. Showed me how nice things can be, how not stressful a relationship can be without all the sacrifices I’ve had to make to make my current one work —
your eyes — mostly your lips — your touch — God, I look forward to more of you, although I know it’s not realistic or even long-term-ly possible — but I don’t know — I can’t be a grown-up about it — just gotta think of you and spending time with you — anyways :) — it’s dumb — you’ve said nothing to even insinuate that you are even close to the same — but hey:) it’s ok :)
You’re really good at ‘loving someone’ showing love and just being amazing to be with and I could enjoy that quality of yours forever –
I’ve never had it like that before and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.
I do miss you, but would definitely prefer to “not” miss you :)
Bye sweetie, I look forward to anything :)

Accidentally thinking of you, as usual!


just thinking…

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you say that
you care for me a lot, that you want me to be taken care of
you leave, and think only of reasons why you should stay
you stay, and think only of reasons why you should leave

i just had a thought…
Life can be miserable with anyone
look at our son,
he’s a terrible pain and causes immense trouble most of the time
yet, he’s adorable, sweet & an amazing gift
if we look at him only as a pain, how he makes things harder,
Yes, we’ll be miserable —
but if, instead,
we look at the joy, the laughter and the wonderful gifts he brings, we see that we are blessed.

I know, I too am a pain – trouble in your life
but I also bring great gifts — I don’t always show them, but I offer
unconditional love, an enduring desire, unending trust, support and joy

I would like you to look/think of me, to feel blessed, not weighed down & i will always do the same.

i beg you…

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Please go away and leave us alone. I can not do this anymore.
Please, just admit that you don’t give a ** anymore, tell me to *** off and go enjoy your life.

I keep pretending that you care and that you’re right. I should just do what you say and things will be fine… but it’s too much, too hard. I can’t do it anymore. I am at the point where I wish I were dead. Where I’m actually believing I make everyone’s life hard, I make everyone miserable & it could be better for everyone if I just weren’t here. It’s not right, it’s not healthy and it’s not possible for me to continue accepting the very crappy actions you contine to commit — telling me I’m to blame..

I feel like crap — I feel as if you’re rubbing my face continuously in the fact that you don’t care anymore — not about me or anything I feel or think. I just can’t go on like this — I have always been there for you and if you’d have just stopped asking me to be…

I just ..  nevermind — doesn’t matter

you don’t give a … anyway

the bottom line

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I have, many times since you’ve left tried to sit down and figure things out. Find answers, plans, something – that wil get things on the right track. I have been unable to, I keep searching and I’m coming up with nothing on my own. 

If you do not want to be a family, to share plans/goals/lives – that is really okay. I do not want you to spend your life in a situation you want no part of. I truly don’t and would prefer to be without you than with you like it has been.

If  you do think it is what you would like your life to be, then you need to choose it, act it, live it

I am not looking for someone to ‘tolerate’ living/being with me – someone that will force himself to ‘muddle through’.

I would prefer someone that sees the gifts I have to give, the greatness/potential I have inside. Someone that knows I am a good person with a good heart and good intentions. Someone that sees the love, honesty, trust, loyalty and simpleness I offer — the ideas, the principles that I have and represent. 

Someone that values me as a person and vows to honor, respect and protect me with all he has

i don’t think i can do this

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it’s too hard
I realize you’re frustrated about neither of us working
and all this debt with no money
I know your unhappy and life is too hard..
I know you’re really hurt and confused about everything
and I’ve had at least one emotional breakdown a week for the past 3 months…

but how does this help?
How does sleeping over at someone else’s house make our problems go away?
it hurts that you hang out here when she’s at work and leave to share lunch with her and again to spend the night

It hurts that I can not imagine you in bed with her… feeling that that is where you feel you should belong

It hurts that you said you’ll come back when you find you’re miserable there too.
Like being with me is a pit of hopelessness and despair that you’re continuously forced to sink into.

It hurts that there are times when you need me (the drive, a ride when you’re stuck…) and that the rest of the time, I’m just not good enough.

It hurts that you seem to see no wrong, no harm, no problem with what’s been done.

It hurts that only after you started seeing her, did you feel that I was forcing you to ‘work s**t jobs and refusing to try’.

It hurts that I’m hurt and disappointed by the whole situation. That I spend 1/2 the time being angry with you for being such a not nice person – and that I spend the rest of the time pretending you’ll realize you don’t belong there – that you need me, and come home.

It hurts that I still care, that I still hope, still love. That I’ve trusted. That each time you leave I feel lost, rejected, useless.

It kills me that it’s gotten so comfortable.. flat out lies, sleeping with someone else (when I can’t imagine even thinking about it.. that you’ve slept with more people just since we’ve been together than I have in my ligr)

The worst, however
undeniably, is that
each time you come back
I don’t realize you’re coming back to be miserable
I think it’s because you love me.
I get hopeful and give what I can to you.
and each time you do something worse that proves even more how wrong and stupid I’ve been
for caring, for being there, for trying – for all this time

I need no lies, no other people, no fear of failure, no doomed outlook.

I need hope, love, respect, care, truth
and I’ll do whatever you like… 100%


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It is and has been unfair for me to see only what you do to me that is hurtful & not what I’ve done to you. 

I am not going to make excuses or say all my choices and decisions have been right. I will only apologize and tell you that truly, I never meant to hurt you and that I will do my best to not do it in the future.

i have definite difficulties with this situation

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it bothers me that you don’t want to talk about it
don’t want to figure is out. What are you waiting for? is it not important?

I need you to love me
for you to  know you love me 
for you to act like you love me

I see that you plan on working this out with me
and don’t understand why you’re putting it off
it’s driving me crazy. This limbo. This feeling that 1/2 the time I’m not at all important and the other 1/2 everything’s just peachy — I need your love, your respect – your appreciation
I want to feel special and needed, not pushed aside

If you know there is no future with her and expect a future with me, why are you sleeping with her & not here trying to fix things with me?

does being there make you feel better?

how much longer..

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will things be like this
how long will other people determine where, when & how long I get to spend with you
how long must I sleep alone, live alone and feel alone

how long do I have to pretend it doesn’t kill me to see you walk out and go sleep with someone else
how long before life is back
not life we had 2 months ago, but real life
2 people bonded, working for similar purpose, shared goals… making a stand — building a shared life
how long until things are right?
until I do not lie alone in bed, staring at the ceiling – begging someont to do something – to give me some answer that will put things back on track
moving in the right direction – not sitting here, getting worse by the second – moving backwards in huge steps/leaps
how bad must things get?
where is the line
will there ever be hope for better than this?

how much longer…

it’s good that you know

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you can trust me and that I’ll always be there for you, but do you see something wrong with the fact that I can not even trust you to answer the phone? –  much less to be here when I’m dying inside – getting abandoned, left crying and alone daily… 


if you’re happy there, wanting to have a great and wonderful life with here, that would be different — 
but you plan on me following you around the country – writing you inspiring letters while you’re working your butt off at bootcamp — on me continuing to be there for you in the future

so why?
why cause me to feel like a worthless piece of .. by leaving me for someone else everyday and not even for a nice or good person — It’s degrading to me, hurtful and devastating to me, every day for weeks now

I don’t know why this is the choice you’re making – it doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense
being there doesn’t help  — it’s making nothing better
so why are you there when even you know that’s not where you belong?

do you know what would be nice?

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not this