Author Archives: KristinaMari

do you love me, does that matter?

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I would like something real – something sure

a ‘no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you’
with that surety – we would make a plan and follow it

if there is no us, no answer, no definition to do it together
then I need to make a plan for myself and you need to figure out what you want to do on your own

I care for you, very much
I love you and would honestly do anything to make you happy, but I can’t do this
you being with her makes me feel like nothing to you
I want to mean something to you – I would like to mean everything to you, as you do to me

I wait, nightly, for you to come home & say this is where you belong
that we will work together with no more bull*** to make things right

I miss you, I miss just lying there with you. I miss you holding me, I just miss everything
I don’t think I fully understand this whole thing – it’s too weird & has been for months

help fix it!

 I would like you to come back (for all time)
I would like to come up with a plan to get us back on track
I would like things to be right
they have NEVER been worse

lost

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a letter… seeking answers…

one hope

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One Hope

send a question

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on the wind
and it will return
as an answer

realization…

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i don’t want to feel that the person I’m with is just doing me a favor by being there. That there’s nothing I’m offering back. Nothing he values from me… that i am just taking all he has away…

I feel bad being with him.. as if I am not good, or pretty.. or don’t meet his standards.. as if he feels I am dragging him down.

I’ve realized that the body I’ve always wanted and the beauty I thought i had to strive for aren’t ever going to make everything ok.. Yes.. i intend to workout regularly, be healthy..etc… but what i truly have to offer is sooo much more important that that.  I plan to inspire, to uplift.. whether it be through work, or poetry, or ideas.. or something i haven’t thought of yet.. that is what I’m supposed to do… to be.

To speak to people’s souls and to make a difference in their lives..make them think about things they know.. but forgot… well, hopefully :)

I think this is why I haven’t written anything good in months… I’m not listening.. to myself. I’ve been attempting to be someone else and meet other’s expectations – to do things I really didn’t care to do — just to avoid conflict, or to make everything okay.

It’s always bothered me that ( he) didn’t care about the things I write, or any of my ‘inspired’ ideas.. and recently that he’s chosen not to look at or comment on anything that i do.. Most of my writing .. up until now.. has been just for me. sometimes for him and I’m new at doing something for everyone to see. I’m at the point where I’m craving acceptance.. reassurance that some of it is as good as i feel it is when i’m reading it.. that it’s worth putting out there.. that it may have some purpose.. It may not be a big deal to others.. but it is a big deal to me…

I put everything I have into everything I do.. and it hurts me that often he’s not even bothering to look at it..

Maybe.. this will be an opportunity..
to find someone that does listen , and that is interested in what i do ..

that understands these words i ramble constantly.. and appreciates them.. even close to as much as i do

that gets that these words/works are some of the most important ‘ trophies’ i have…

scared…

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scared… tremendously
of what is to come
how to provide— just how to survive…

How to survive.. how to get therough
how to make sense of what life can do.

How to be strong.. when feeling sooo weak..
how to proceed.. a road lined with defeat…

looking back

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Looking Back

Thank You [original art]

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[ Original: text on oil pastel drawing ]
Buy a Downloadable PDF

other things avail. from kristinamari…

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Server is not responding.

a complaint to the media

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a letter written to a national magazine about their stories covering the iraqi war
(my husband at the time was serving in iraq)

generalizations

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Generalizations

ongoing problem…

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what you do… not my fault
it only resides in you – what you choose to do for yourself for your own reasons
that has nothing to do with me or my self worth (trying VERY hard to always remember this :)) 

but

what is it I should do?
what will I do
I don’t trust you
I hate snooping, but I want to know the TRUTH
the real truth & there is no other way to find out

half as much..

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searching and grabbing for the one thing
i know is not there.

i keep dreaming that if I want it enough
will it enough… by some miracle.. it will occur.

but i’m fooling myself.. again and again..
into believing a half truth..

you love me.. u really do .. but only half as much
as i need you to.

don’t search

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for anything
and you will never, never
find it (which means you will)

untrust

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now, sitting here, feeling like a dumb**

not knowing for sure that I’m wrong and not knowing if I will ever get over this paranoia — these little checks now and then, just to make sure that it’s not happening again. There are a few questionable things, that make me wonder sometimes.
The worry gets less as time passes, yet still sometimes odd things happen – or maybe I analyze them too much.

Whether you have or haven’t – I am on constant alert despite how hard I try because I don’t want it to happen again, I don’t
I’m sorry, I do believe you, but I don’t know, I can’t help it — I feel like an *** a **8 and a horrible person.

I just want to/need to protect myself. Need to not let down my guard — it hasn’t been that long. I’m trying hard to forget — but it’s taking me awhile and I continue to try — but I need reassurance sometimes — because I just do.

I’m sorry. I messed up. I should trust you. I’m trying and I’ll try harder. I just don’t want it to happen again. Last time was just too much.