Author Archives: KristinaMari

Here I sit thinking…

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Here I Sit Thinking

sitting in the dark

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sitting in the dark

what is going to happen?

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what are we...

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free and clear

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free and clear

thank you | no. 1

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thank you

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declaration

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I am not in need of someone that sees me as their enemy. Someone who feels I ‘trap’ them in a horrible life. Someone who believes I drag him down.
I am much more in need of someone that sees me as a genuine person, someone who tries, very hard, to do what is good and right. Someone who looks for a larger purpose, a higher goal and strives for understanding — both of life, of love and of myself.

I would like someone to share with. To share my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas — without judgement, without argument — just open, honest communication. Someone that wants to know what I’m about as much as I’m seeking to know what he’s about. I want a partner – someone who will take my hand, take a stand – make a difference.

I would like honestly – trust and not to have to question validity/truth in every word or action. Someone earning my love as much as I am earning theirs.

I would like no questions, no fear, no uncertainty. I would like to KNOW undoubtedly that I am loved and cared for and that position in my relationship is SECURE.

I no longer wish to worry about what is the truth. If I am in the right place, will this person I trust with my life be there — I need no doubts, No fears.

I would like for all uncertainty about us to disappear — to not have to constantly wonder if the person I love is talking to someone else like I don’t exist.

i beg you…

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Please go away and leave us alone. I can not do this anymore.
Please, just admit that you don’t give a ** anymore, tell me to *** off and go enjoy your life.

I keep pretending that you care and that you’re right. I should just do what you say and things will be fine… but it’s too much, too hard. I can’t do it anymore. I am at the point where I wish I were dead. Where I’m actually believing I make everyone’s life hard, I make everyone miserable & it could be better for everyone if I just weren’t here. It’s not right, it’s not healthy and it’s not possible for me to continue accepting the very crappy actions you contine to commit — telling me I’m to blame..

I feel like crap — I feel as if you’re rubbing my face continuously in the fact that you don’t care anymore — not about me or anything I feel or think. I just can’t go on like this — I have always been there for you and if you’d have just stopped asking me to be…

I just ..  nevermind — doesn’t matter

you don’t give a … anyway

the bottom line

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I have, many times since you’ve left tried to sit down and figure things out. Find answers, plans, something – that wil get things on the right track. I have been unable to, I keep searching and I’m coming up with nothing on my own. 

If you do not want to be a family, to share plans/goals/lives – that is really okay. I do not want you to spend your life in a situation you want no part of. I truly don’t and would prefer to be without you than with you like it has been.

If  you do think it is what you would like your life to be, then you need to choose it, act it, live it

I am not looking for someone to ‘tolerate’ living/being with me – someone that will force himself to ‘muddle through’.

I would prefer someone that sees the gifts I have to give, the greatness/potential I have inside. Someone that knows I am a good person with a good heart and good intentions. Someone that sees the love, honesty, trust, loyalty and simpleness I offer — the ideas, the principles that I have and represent. 

Someone that values me as a person and vows to honor, respect and protect me with all he has

i don’t think i can do this

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it’s too hard
I realize you’re frustrated about neither of us working
and all this debt with no money
I know your unhappy and life is too hard..
I know you’re really hurt and confused about everything
and I’ve had at least one emotional breakdown a week for the past 3 months…

but how does this help?
How does sleeping over at someone else’s house make our problems go away?
it hurts that you hang out here when she’s at work and leave to share lunch with her and again to spend the night

It hurts that I can not imagine you in bed with her… feeling that that is where you feel you should belong

It hurts that you said you’ll come back when you find you’re miserable there too.
Like being with me is a pit of hopelessness and despair that you’re continuously forced to sink into.

It hurts that there are times when you need me (the drive, a ride when you’re stuck…) and that the rest of the time, I’m just not good enough.

It hurts that you seem to see no wrong, no harm, no problem with what’s been done.

It hurts that only after you started seeing her, did you feel that I was forcing you to ‘work s**t jobs and refusing to try’.

It hurts that I’m hurt and disappointed by the whole situation. That I spend 1/2 the time being angry with you for being such a not nice person – and that I spend the rest of the time pretending you’ll realize you don’t belong there – that you need me, and come home.

It hurts that I still care, that I still hope, still love. That I’ve trusted. That each time you leave I feel lost, rejected, useless.

It kills me that it’s gotten so comfortable.. flat out lies, sleeping with someone else (when I can’t imagine even thinking about it.. that you’ve slept with more people just since we’ve been together than I have in my ligr)

The worst, however
undeniably, is that
each time you come back
I don’t realize you’re coming back to be miserable
I think it’s because you love me.
I get hopeful and give what I can to you.
and each time you do something worse that proves even more how wrong and stupid I’ve been
for caring, for being there, for trying – for all this time

I need no lies, no other people, no fear of failure, no doomed outlook.

I need hope, love, respect, care, truth
and I’ll do whatever you like… 100%

apology

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It is and has been unfair for me to see only what you do to me that is hurtful & not what I’ve done to you. 

I am not going to make excuses or say all my choices and decisions have been right. I will only apologize and tell you that truly, I never meant to hurt you and that I will do my best to not do it in the future.

i have definite difficulties with this situation

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it bothers me that you don’t want to talk about it
don’t want to figure is out. What are you waiting for? is it not important?

I need you to love me
for you to  know you love me 
for you to act like you love me

I see that you plan on working this out with me
and don’t understand why you’re putting it off
it’s driving me crazy. This limbo. This feeling that 1/2 the time I’m not at all important and the other 1/2 everything’s just peachy — I need your love, your respect – your appreciation
I want to feel special and needed, not pushed aside

If you know there is no future with her and expect a future with me, why are you sleeping with her & not here trying to fix things with me?

does being there make you feel better?

how much longer..

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will things be like this
how long will other people determine where, when & how long I get to spend with you
how long must I sleep alone, live alone and feel alone

how long do I have to pretend it doesn’t kill me to see you walk out and go sleep with someone else
how long before life is back
not life we had 2 months ago, but real life
2 people bonded, working for similar purpose, shared goals… making a stand — building a shared life
how long until things are right?
until I do not lie alone in bed, staring at the ceiling – begging someont to do something – to give me some answer that will put things back on track
moving in the right direction – not sitting here, getting worse by the second – moving backwards in huge steps/leaps
how bad must things get?
where is the line
will there ever be hope for better than this?

how much longer…

it’s good that you know

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you can trust me and that I’ll always be there for you, but do you see something wrong with the fact that I can not even trust you to answer the phone? –  much less to be here when I’m dying inside – getting abandoned, left crying and alone daily… 

.. 

if you’re happy there, wanting to have a great and wonderful life with here, that would be different — 
but you plan on me following you around the country – writing you inspiring letters while you’re working your butt off at bootcamp — on me continuing to be there for you in the future

so why?
why cause me to feel like a worthless piece of .. by leaving me for someone else everyday and not even for a nice or good person — It’s degrading to me, hurtful and devastating to me, every day for weeks now

I don’t know why this is the choice you’re making – it doesn’t seem right and doesn’t make sense
being there doesn’t help  — it’s making nothing better
so why are you there when even you know that’s not where you belong?

do you know what would be nice?

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not this

i miss you

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the one I’ve always had a good time with eventhough we’ve never had any money
I miss knowing I’m important, cared for, loved and respected
by the person I love, care and respect